On being exceptional

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time then you know I’ve had a hard life. A very, very, hard life. The thing that keeps me going isn’t money, it’s not the chance for fame, or for people to remember me when I’m gone. The thing that keeps me from very literally killing myself is the chance to help people. That’s a selfish goal, but everything that drives us at its core is a selfish thing.

I feel apart last night. I’m not afraid to admit it. I had a good long cry in the shower where I had alternating thoughts of wishing things could be easy for once and wondering why the fuck I even bother waking up in the morning. Nothing has come easy to me, but maybe that’s just everyone and I’m stuck inside my head looking out thinking the grass is greener for others.

Still, what I wouldn’t give to be exceptional at something. The thing about being average is, so many of us are just that. The frustrating part is most people get to have an average life to go along with it. I wasn’t so lucky, so maybe it’s selfish of me, but I want to be exceptional at something I do. So many of the people I work around and study with are, to me, exceptional. Meanwhile, I find it a struggle to hit mediocre.

It’s been a hard couple of days, my stress is off the charts at the moment, and I’m just tired all the time. I’m taking the day off to relax. It’s been non-stop data processing since I collected my pilot data and I need a minute to myself. I also had some problems with my main PI that really upset me, but I don’t want to get into that today.

All this to say that I want to excel at something. I want something to come easy to me, to be able to understand a concept or do a math problem without any effort at all. For once I want people to talk about me the way that they do about the people who seem to achieve everything they set their mind on.

I’m a simple kind of person, I don’t need or even want awards or fame. I don’t want a nobel prize nor do I think I would ever have a shot at getting one even if I wanted it. All I really want if I am being perfectly honest is to be useful. That is my idea of being exceptional. I want people to come to me for something knowing full well that I will get it done.

I’m not looking to be a rockstar scientist or even someone well known. I just want to be wanted, to feel useful, to do something I feel is meaningful. Maybe that’s not your idea of what being exceptional is, but to me it’s a dream that doesn’t seem achievable.