Today is a bad day

The day hasn’t even started yet, but it’s a bad day. No I’m not ripping off a children’s book with a similar, if not more hyperbolic name, it’s seriously going to be a bad day. You may be wondering how I know, well this time of the year is always rough for me. A lot of bad things happened that I don’t have the space, mental capacity, or time to talk about. Today is a bad day.

The funny thing about anniversaries is the term is almost exclusively associated with something good. In marriage for example anniversaries are celebrated. You survived a whole year together, have some cake! That doesn’t mean bad things that happen don’t have anniversaries as well. We just tend to ignore those. Yet, no matter how hard I try to push out those thoughts, my body always reminds me that it’s that time of the year. My body is extremely polite in that way, it wouldn’t want me to forget something so important!

I never really wanted to be average, I guess I should’ve specified which direction I wanted to go. Play acting normal is a daily drain and thanks to the pandemic I don’t have to do that as much. It was one silver lining to all the death in the background. I had a moment to myself and then we decided to pretend that the pandemic was over and now I get to deal with all the death in the background while pretending to be normal. To say it’s a lot of work would be an understatement.

Today in particular is hard, but I have experiments and a laundry list of things I need to do. Tomorrow I have surgery, something I frankly don’t mind. I know some people tend to get nervous about it, but surgery for me always means coming out slightly better than you did going in … well unusually my first surgery was an unmitigated disaster that almost caused me to bleed to death. I went to the emergency room and then they shoved me into a storage closet for a few hours before someone could see me. Welcome to the VA slaughterhouse hospital.

There’s no particular reason for today to be a bad day, at least not in the rational sense. Nothing’s happened yet, everything seems to be going well, but still I am reminded of things that happened far too long ago. Things I should be able to push aside, ignore, or outright forget. Which I guess is part of the problem because really it’s stuff I shouldn’t forget.

I’m not sure what to do honestly. I’ll probably do what I do every year, keep my head down and try to power through it. If it was just today that wouldn’t be so bad, but today is just the worst day of a very bad time of the year really. It’s tough to explain I guess, but I guess we can sum it up pretty succinctly by saying it’s just a rough time of the year for me.

Take away for today? Today was such a bad day every year I’m reminded of it. In short, today is a bad day.