A rough landing

My joints hurt, like all of them. It feels like stabby burny pain. It’s not fun, but I’ve seen this kind of thing happen just once before in my life (here). Spoiler, it’s somehow related to stress, the last time this happened I was very stressed out and this time it’s back, but worse. It’s not a fun time for me obviously, so today is a mixed bag, both good news and bad.

Since I started my PhD it’s been a struggle for funding. I’ve managed thus far and I would’ve been fine either way, but last month I made a choice. I called it a leap of faith (here) because I wanted to work in a clinical setting so I could take a job with my Co-PI or I could take a full-time spot in my main-PI’s lab. Both had advantages, both had downsides. My Co-PI’s offer could take so long that I wouldn’t be able to support myself anymore. My main-PI’s offer would take me away from the clinical research setting that I love, but it was guaranteed, no need to worry about the timeline for being hired. I took the nothing ventured, nothing gained approach and went with the dangerous, but better option for me.

It worked out, I start today, which frankly was the longest I could possibly go without pay. I haven’t been paid in a month so this has been a really rough time for me. Then to add to that stress at the start of this month I had a sledgehammer of stress swung at me. I wrote about it yesterday (here), but basically my life is falling apart around me.

Traditionally this time of the year is not kind to me, I’m not sure if it’s luck or something I’m doing. I don’t know which one I would prefer, maybe I would like to think it’s something I’m doing? It feels like I have a little more control over it that way, even if I’m getting screwed over by the result. So needless to say my brain is being awful, I hate my brain.

Today should be at least somewhat stress relieving, instead it feels like my body is pulling itself apart on the inside and my brain isn’t helping anything. I don’t suspect I will be homeless, or at least without income, but I have so many things changing right now, this was all awful timing. Some of it (the job change for example) is definitely my fault, but the stuff I’m not comfortable sharing, well that’s not quite as clear. Some of it is me for sure, but some of it may just be bad luck or outside factors.

Anyway today is not a good day. It should be, but it’s not unfortunately. Did I mention I hate my brain?