There’s no such thing as solid ground

I am a private person. Is it then ironic that I blog about my journey? The ups and downs of getting a PhD, the trials and things life throws at me, the interplay of choices I’ve made and their effects decades later. It’s the ship of theseus paradox, how much of me is still me after all the bits and pieces that have been shaved off over the years and replaced. If there’s no one around to see me change, was change even made?

I’m not going to talk about it, but I’ll talk around it. The elephant in the room so to speak. It’s no secret that things around here have been tumultuous. Between losing (technically quitting?) my job as a student researcher to take a job as a researcher in the clinical setting, all the publications, the deadlines, the stress, and this fucking miserable fucking time of year. I’m just tired.

Is it so wrong for me to want my brain to just stop being so loud? Is it wrong for that stupid voice in the back of my head, whispering to me about how if I tried hard enough I could just fade from existence, to just shut the hell up?

Okay, quick pause here. I’m safe. I solemnly swear this isn’t a cry for help. I’m just venting. Please don’t make me put effort into assuring you that this is true, if I really wanted to kill myself I would just do it without the fanfare. This isn’t a goodbye, it’s just a reminder that I exist. I’m here venting because I’m tired. I’m venting because life is so fucking hard and at the end of the day I have absolutely no one, no family, no real friends, no one I can trust, no one who knows me, no one who would miss me. I’m just tired.

This time of year hurts so fucking much and I just feel so full that it needs to go somewhere. I’m a private person, but here I am. It’s easier than spending time trying to explain things to a therapist, it’s less work and there’s just so much that feels like work at the moment it helps not to need to think about it all.

I really fucking hate this time of year. Why bad things have to group together like that is beyond me, but here we are. Needless to say there’s been a lot of bad things that have happened recently that I would prefer to keep private. I just wish it didn’t have to pick this time of the year to happen. If it had been any other time of the year it wouldn’t be so… heavy?

I mean let’s face it, there’s no real point to this post. I’m not teaching you anything, there’s no greater good, no need for citations here. I don’t like making these kinds of posts. I’m just falling apart and well this is the only way I know how to help myself. Because at the end of the day, no one will help me so I need to do it myself. I wish there was help, I really do.

Anyway at the end of the day I’ve got this blog, and to a certain extent you. Let’s face it, my words would have no meaning if it weren’t for the people who read them. So I guess if you’re here I’m not completely alone, even if you aren’t here. I guess shouting into the void that is the internet can be helpful.

We’ve gotten so used to people ripping bits and pieces of themselves and giving them to us for our consumption. They find support, to a certain extent, and similar stories, which I guess helps. I do this from time to time. While this post isn’t a great example of that since I’m not sharing that part of me, it is a time honored tradition to exist in the open digitally.

Anyway, life is hard. I’m sure it is for everyone so I don’t even know why I’m complaining, but I don’t know what else I can do honestly. Again, I’m safe and don’t feel like reassuring people of that so please don’t try to check in with me like that. Instead if you really feel the need to support me, first thank you. Second, just like or comment, let me know you’re out there too. Maybe that’s what I need, maybe I just don’t want to feel so invisible right now.